Mum Daily

In honour of my father

I have just put my salty swimming costume in the laundry when Mum calls us into her room.

She is sitting on the edge of the bed – the one we used to jump in as kids, all five of us, loud and raucous under the blue and gold brocade quilt. Dad is standing near the doorway shuffling awkwardly. ‘Your father has something to tell you,’ Mum says, tilting her head towards Dad, but looking down at the carpet.

Us kids stand around the bed in an odd little circle looking at each other quizzically, anxious to finish the unpacking and get to our favourite TV shows.

Dad clears his throat. He calls in Ruth, a visitor from overseas who’d been holidaying at the beach with us. Then he says; “I don’t love your mother anymore. I’m going to marry Ruth.” !

My heart freezes, capturing a still from a movie scene other people are watching. I look up at my big sister – Is this a joke?

It wasn’t.

I run into the garage choking and gasping.

In the end my Dad didn’t marry Ruth. He went on to marry another woman. Then another. And another. He was on his fourth marriage when he died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago.

In my twenties I felt convicted by God to honour my dad. That obscure fifth commandment right before the thou-shalt-not-murder one. Honour your father and mother so that it may go well with you. At the time I didn’t exactly know what it meant, but I figured if Dad was ever going to come back to God, then maybe it would be because his daughter tried to love him.

It was tough. Sending Father’s Day cards when I didn’t know what to write and the printed greetings all read like a bad poem. Searching the stores for gifts I didn’t know were appropriate. Exhausting dinners of one-sided conversation, with me listening and ah-ha-ing chin in hand and then listening more. The only time it was my turn to speak was when I was asked for my opinion over which woman he should date.

After the funeral I learned Dad left me with a small inheritance. Not a huge amount really, but it was his way of saying ‘thank you’. Thank you for loving me, thank you for the phone calls and the gifts and the dinners and all the cards, which I learned from his widow were all stacked neatly in their cardboard at home or still occupying prize position on the buro.

I’ve thought about the inheritance my Dad gave me – the financial one – and the other inheritance too. The one that I never expected…

In honouring my Dad, I’ve learnt about forgiveness; how when we let go we see more clearly. In getting to know my Dad, I’ve learnt who I am; how understanding him has helped me to accept and love parts of myself.

In laying down my own need to be loved, I’ve learnt how sacrifice and selflessness can soften hearts in ways that nothing else can. Following a difficult commandment for twenty years has truly brought a rich inheritance. It has gone well with me.

Tania Harris x